i have never wanted to be here because i am above it all

all all all

daddy tried beating it the fuck out of me and i was literally

at-risk

of being murdered.

he bashed my head through walls and came

after me with broken liquor bottles but i could run just not always

fast enough fast enough fast enough.

the grocery list of all the things he did to me is tedious

tedious tedious.

i cannot be naked in front of anyone and usually just walk out

of doctor’s offices, rehabs, hospitals, and have arranged for the

most part most part most part

to get away with not being touched

by medical people (all people

if i could manage it) period.

the boys at-risk i work with have their own their own their own

stories of their lives and i can now listen to them without

flipping out flipping out flipping out

and i always end up asking what the fuck is wrong with men.

hiv has ruined our lives and we keep wondering if living our lives

is fucking worth it

the boys are adolescents and they will tell you verbally one thing

and do another thing entirely with their behavior. such as going

out of their way (usually pills) to kill themselves but the only ones

who seem to manage it are the ones who hang themselves. often

from trees. from trees. from trees.

post suicide attempt, they will fight hard to live. i have seen it a

thousand times. i do not takes sides. live or don’t live it is not

up to me it is up to each individual. i can hardly dictate to them

what to do what to do what to do.

drugs or no drugs. since i am a hopeless junkie who from time to

time is sober as a rubber squeegie how the fuck did it become

my job to tell them drugs are bad and compel them to

do anything do anything do anything.

it is hard for the normals to get it but it is not my place

to be the adult in the room. i did not apply for that position

and i will resist having it shoved down my goddamn throat

by moral arbitrators of righteousness and rules the rules

say you cannot live without rules but what did you

expect rules to say when rules are like everything else

in life which means they are only trying to keep their

jobs so, of course, they are going to make the case that

we inherently need them.

rules are bogus. i like anarchy. it’s more interesting. the

combination of anarchy and desire would render me a

cellist a cellist a cellist. life is a treadmill. i am a really

really really really bad bad bad bad role model. i don’t

want that job either and have never applied for it.

people do what they want to do. i no longer care. if i

was your boyfriend, i’d never let you go never let you

go never let you go.

lalala lalala never let you go.

boys are killing themselves at unprecedented numbers

americans do not give a flying fuck i tried doing it with

a gun but all i ended up with was blowing my guts out

which a team of surgeons unbeknownst 2me  managed

to stick

and sew humpty dumpty back together again they were

most definitely not listening how hard is it to listen

to a sixteeen-year-old who has just shot himself with

a shotgun oh my fucking goodness we will just make

him want to be with us we can do it we can do it we

can do it.

we all grew up with that stupid story of that little

train that could cross the moral finish line because it

wanted to

we’ll make him want to live he must see the light.

they failed at that one, too.

hiv has ruined my life. the fact that all the politically

correct aids orgs will jump up and down and scream

that we can all live normal lives is a rhetoric of

self-serving water buffalo shit that suggests if

people would do what they told us to do (not unlike

religion) we could

all live happily ever after with cinderella and her

barbie tits.

i cannot speak for the boys or even at them. their

decisions around being here or not being here are

up to them. there is no fucking god or i think we

might have heard from him by now and there are

no aliens either no aliens either no aliens either

it’s just us.

it’s just us.

it’s just us.

we have mismanaged being here. we shit where

we eat. we have turned the planet into poison.

we have finally done it. there is no going back. no

one wants to say this but it’s too fucking late

to turn the clock backwards we keep thinking we

have a few more years but we are like the

adolescent who does his homework in

homeroom

homeroom

homeroom

so is it worth it. this being here. hell no. my

bones are dying inside my body. no matter

how many times i refuse to get naked in front

of some idiot doctor there is no going back

no going back no going back.

there is only going forward into the jaws of death

the jaws of death the jaws of death if i was your

boyfriend i’d never let you go never let you go never

let you go lalala lalala lalala. never let you go.