Take notes. Gay men have formed a survivor’s group that is about older men who survived AIDS. And the AIDS era. Which has not ended. The group is angry with me for questioning the tenet of the tenets. The rule that life is always worth living because it’s life. Living for what. A life of powerlessness. An apple is an apple because it’s an apple. Life must be worth living at all costs is not the same as Life Costs. We do not live life. We are compelled to. I took a twelve gauge and blew my guts out. Life isn’t worth it. Living is not heroic. But we have to make it seem that the wish to endure anything is strong. Brave. Dauntless. Courageous. Gallant. Intrepid. Lionhearted. I wanted to die because I am autistic, and I was being abused. While I was being abused, my abuser kept telling me over and over that they loved me. The neurodivergent brain can take what people say to you literally. You cannot even imagine it, but my second selves can. I believe what people tell me until I don’t. How does that make me different from you. I am different from you because I cannot and will not trust you. You can look at me, and not see one gigabyte. Because I mask. I teach because I mask. I am because I mask. I discovered stage lights and acting how to pretend in masks. You never really see the audience. What audience. There are only gatekeepers keeping gates. I drive a dirt bike way too fast because I drive a dirt bike way too fast. It is my life. It does not belong to you. Old School my way.