i know your kindness i know/ your scars i have some of those 2/ i know where you’ve been/ i know the smell of your shit/ i know your guts, and/ i know/ when you are giving up i do not want you 2 give up but it’s not up to me it’s not up to me it’s not up to me/ i know the rope under your bed and i took it/ i took it because i do not want to be the chosen one who gets to find you hanging naked from a tree/ don’t set that up for me damn you/ it would hurt me so bad so bad so bad/ i want you 2 lie and say it’s worth all the effort 2 stay alive there are so many lies people tell why can’t you just tell the one about hope and beauty and joy and not the one where you want to cease existing/ it’s about you, not me, and it’s about having to chose/ every goddamn day/ just like the rest of us/

every time you get out of your bed you are making a choice/ this is not going to change/ every day for the rest of your life you will have to chose to be among us other living organisms/ or not it doesn’t go away where the choice has evaporated because it does not evaporate/ i know your jeans when i wash them/ i know your socks/ i know the other boy you love/ this is the hard part/ this is the place where you talk the talk because it’s easy or you walk the walk even when it’s a tightrope twenty stories high/ and you are going to fall because we all fall we all fall we all fall/ it cannot be avoided in a life/ i know you think you have made a mess of it all, and you have/and/and what/ i/ do/ not/ care/ just fuck me here i go again/ sometimes we just fuck up/ everyone fucks up/ everyone/ that is how it works/

the whole dog and pony show of the person who appears to never fuck up is just another lie/ this time where he fucked up was in his choice of landing his sacred and perfect presence on you/ he picked someone who told him no/ that was you2/ you told him no you would not do what you were not going to do because you could not do it/ and no one ever tells him no/ no one has ever challenged him like that/ so he got angry and violent and I gotta ask you aren’t you a little tired of people who you wanted to love, who end up turning on you, and end up beating the shit out of you, and isn’t that what happened at home, and now it’s happening with someone you wanted almost desperately to be in your life, and the whole fucking thing is happening all over again and it must be your fault your fault your fault/ but that’s when we walk the walk, baby, and we stare it down in the shadows where it growls from its bowels it’s not your fault it’s not your fault it’s not your fault/

it’s on him/ it’s on him/ it’s on him/ i want to cut his balls off and make him eat them, but i will restrain myself i know you i know all your second selves/ i know when you’re going to laugh/ i know you talk to the dog/ i know when you sweat/ i know what scares you/ i know all your boogeymen/ i know you can get through this/ i will hold your hand/ i will hold you tight/ i will fend off anyone who might hurt you/ i will go to the ends of the earth for you but i can’t do any of those things/ if you are not here if you are not here/