I loved this piece but sex is the elephant in the room. Sibling Rivalry. Is real. No more wars and trucks in bed. You have your own bed. Your dog cannot sleep in this one. No more tanks to trip over at 5am. No, your friends cannot sleep with us. Fish do not sleep in beds. I do not care if your fish wants to sleep with you. Why is my phone in the bed. Big Bird is not real and he has his own bed. You cannot wear your shoes and boots in bed. Because people do not sleep in bathtubs. I am going to sleep in your bed (utter hilarity). I do not care where Katie down the block sleeps. No photography in bed. If you jump up and down on the bed, and you say Candyman, Candyman, Candyman three times, he comes out of the TV and he’s not on Facebook. And either are you. Someone wet the bed. I’m sleeping downstairs. It’s called dreaming. Nothing to be afraid of. Candyman, Candyman, Candyman. Being a single parent did not lend itself to everyone sleeping together. I don’t care if you went round and round in the dryer. It’s sleepy time. You know those pajamas with feet. They gouge you 50 times a night. We no longer watch the Three Stooges reruns in bed. No talking politics in bed. Because it’s rude. No, you can’t fly if you jump off the bed. Under the sheets is not where people do homework. Because the bed doesn’t fit in the car. I gave up. Why. Because where else would you bring crayons to do your art. I do not allow them to drink gin in bed. I make up the rules. Not you.

Go to sleep. I mean it.