I survived. I am not glad I did. I do not want to be here. I am Joel. I was sexually terrorized. He made me do things that I am ashamed of. He made me eat his shit. I have tried for a very long time to get the taste out of my mouth. I brush and brush my teeth very hard. I have worn the enamel off my teeth. It does not work. He is always there. 

I hear people say abused. For me it was worse than abused. I cannot get it out of my head. I do not want to be a survivor. I want to be dead. I am allowed to write stuff here. I do not care. He was so much bigger than me. He would not stop choking me. I threw his shit up on him. Then he beat me and then he put his fist in me. I got away. He was shooting heroin. He passed out. I could cut the tape with my teeth. I ran and ran.

It was like you see the laser that is going to make the bullet hit the bullseye. It will not miss. I wish he was aiming for my head so it would explode. I will never do sex work for money again unless I am starving and have no food. I will never let nobody tie me up. I was not abused. Abused is when when you still want to live. Maybe abused is when you can leave it behind and kind of forget about it. I was not abused. I was terrorized. By Joel