The first car I ever stole was a Rolls Royce. The smell of the leather was something you could sink down into, and while the moment of excruciating restraint is a portal of delayed reinforcement, I will not remember writing this. Maybe here and there. I think this was the Mafia. In fragments. To Indigo Dust. In a glass museum case. I am finally a museum. It all comes like flashes are some sorrow’s end. Autistic Seas in Autistic Seas. I have taken the tests. I am the category of the high functioning autistic . You will not believe any of this, especially the dark stuff, everyone wants to cling to hope, but hope is not a life raft. The Colorado might or it might not take you there. I went down the Colorado in a rubber raft. I was not quite prepared for the speed of it. I cannot swim like I used to. It took me years to cope with this. But I can kick backwards like a Rower’s Bitch. You are moved in no uncertain terms, somewhere. The Colorado died. It is no longer a river. It is a desert because it was always the desert, and the desert will be paid, and it doesn’t matter if you cannot accept that, it’s not scientific, and I am someone who supports science in any way I can. Science will tell you how a species went extinct. We need that data, too. Because we are all the Colorado River. This is where human civilization and Homo sapiens’ version of slavery and class And-Call-It-Culture, a telescope, is a time machine, and a time of rooted swallowing.

We are made from the same hobo environment that surrounds us. Avascular necrosis. What does surround us mean. Surrounds us means we are our stuff. If we want our species to survive, we are either going to grasp the untenable idea that our Beings and our Second Selves are bound up like DNA mutations where our idea of what an individual being even is — is at risk — we are the mutation adapted enough to spike and break on through. Through the perception that individuality is transcendent when, in fact, it removes us from thriving because we are unable to entertain the concept that individuality is wrapped up by spike after spike, and the term viral is not mythology. You have lost the Colorado river because it’s dead. You have lost the Colorado river because you have lost the Colorado river. You have lost the Colorado river, get a clue, because you have lost the planet, and the witches of Salem condemn you for a fool.

That is what being beaten up by the media means. It means being assaulted from every corner. It means you begin a study of physics because you want to know how the universe works. Specifically, what is dark energy, and what is dark matter, and how does inflation really work. Inflation is an idea of physics. Is inflation energy. Yes. Do you hear voices. Yes. Voices are ordinary matter that interact with gravity and light. Where matter accumulates the muscle of gravity grows. Mine are the mad kind. They’re lunatics down there. Opinionated, psychotic dreams. There is a constant dialogue as they all chime in to tell me what to do. I chime right back at them.

Tell me. What is it. That I have to lose. I would be thrown into detention. Because I wore jeans to school because jeans were all I had. Two pairs of jeans. Today, I own two pairs of jeans, and I have been naked in more laundromats than old Jesus would climb into a dryer for a few spins. Our cars were mainly pieces of hunk and shit.  One idea just lead to the other. A Dis Order of Communication and Language and Perception and of even time. Perhaps especially time. Are you telling me the rabbit hole is real. Aliens from Mars who eat an entire cow raw. And pregnant women who had cows if it wasn’t one thing, it was another. Just like that. The tongue wacks them into Drag Me Back to the French Broad River which was at that time — when there was no time, only space time — that the best storytellers were the ones who rolled by the celebrations as they pulled some sad truck up the sad river of more french whores in a whorehouse than a randy sack.

But you are autistic. Like in. Forever. Humanity is not a circus. Humanity is a string of heavy metals and calcium. Humanity is a fucking circus. A stellar constituency of spirals, spins, dwarf galaxies, and not one wink of it is diminutive. Look no further than the American West. Look what you have done to the American West. Which was never frozen in time. Rivers into rivers. Deserts into bigger deserts. The desert itself was a ruthless place that would suck you dry. Perhaps as pinprick on my tongue. The Colorado had never in recorded memory made it all the way to Mexico. I never made it all the way to Mexico. In or out. Of Mexico. There is no real record of it, and you will never find one. I was not there.

And where were you. Do you have a warrant. No. Then, get the fuck out of my apartment, and I want my fire works back. A lawyer chuckled. Make him stop. Stop. Now, he’s a Juarez prisoner working security in a warehouse north of Mexico City, you would find explosives and what we call fireworks. Mainly, this stuff is popped off in as spectacle at organized institutional events. The Fourth. Mexico, too, has more celebrations than we do. A river dies miles and miles from Mexico. A couple of weeds in the mud flats. The entire novel was written on an I-phone. I phoned it in. I drive a dirt bike. I’m just not anywhere I am easily found. Getting out of Dodge is what I do. Follow the storm clouds because the cops won’t. And that is how you tell a story, too. Follow the storm clouds because the cops won’t. And no chopper team is going to fly inside that swollen menace that can move like a train of wind that can cut your tit off like a razor blade. If you decide because you are crazy that the time is now to spread Moonshine Cheer And Fuck That Radiator what radiator never you mind. I drive a dirt bike. Riding shotgun means you’ll be sitting in the back hangin on if you can. I had extra footrests put in for Shotgun but it is never comfortable.

After 350 miles on a dirt bike, you will begin to beg for mercy and it won’t end there. You will weep. There will be pictures. I will take them. I did take them. I was seeing double. That night, all of us were cowboys in our white socks and boots that have lasted twenty years.

                                                                                                               ***

     Kansas

I am not telling you that escapes from Dodge are worth the risk. I will, however, tell you that it’s time to put on your bootstraps who the fuck wears bootstraps. I have to stop apologizing. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you believe. Bootstraps are a symbolism as are buying boots from Harley-Davidson. Who has any money left to steal after Harley Davidson. Becomes your life. You are marginalized by the company that created you.

None of you are real. It’s the only way I can get my autistic brain through the day. Turn the voices off and tell yourself the Witches of Salem are to blame. They were intransigent.  What exactly do I have to lose — oh — my life. I don’t care anymore. I am surrounded by death. There was The Before And After. B4. Wait until you try a Delta Nine. On acid, it’s okay, but it’s way up high, it wants action and all I can give are my words of wisdom love Daphney. I have no idea who she was. B4 Or After. My job was to train, take, and find the rats of Delta Nine. What happens in Tijuana does not stay in Tijuana and there I was on film fucking Daphne. A morsel for a monarch who was the King who had his whore as he watched it in photographic detail. Daphne knew this was not going to end well. And break it for our hope that horses still rode in protest every morning in the Blue Ridge. By themselves. Because they were horses and questions must be asked even if it’s always the autistic among who repeat themselves times ten. B4, name of another onslaught of the unleashed virus that way they found King Kong. The circus that is what we do best. We create the clown car and put it on the road where we have lots of sex. What happens in New Orleans stays in New Orleans.