I knew right away that this kid was going to push every button he could push.

And then, he did.

He’s draining but I have this magic weapon I can and do use which is called I CAN TURN AWAY AND STOP GIVING HIM ATTENTION WHEN HE BEGINS ANOTHER DESTRUCTION OF HIMSELF.

The destruction of the self is what he does. Day and night.

It would be a mistake to take this kid to a rooftop. Any rooftop. This kid would drive just about any vehicle the wrong way down a one way street.

But I have him by his balls.

I can figure out pretty quickly what individual kids like and (often this will be a secret) and what kids love.

Cameras Gotcha.

This kid will do anything for time with a camera. He has broken enough of them.

Because he is simply an extension of the camera, and he takes everything – everything – to the brink. The reality (one he cannot see and refuses to deal with) is that the camera is an extension of the kid. I will only give him waterproof cameras.

“How were you feeling when you took that picture,” I will ask.

He knows this game.

“He looks like him.”

“Him” means the man who raped him. People find their victims because they know what to look for. How hard could it be.

It is not just one him. There were few hims.

For a while, now, he has been fixated on when do people get out of prison. You can taste the oven hot anxiety that escapes his mouth.

You are compelled to be honest with this kid. Otherwise, he’ll see right through you. It is a mistake to underestimate boys like him. They’re not stupid.

Which does not mean this kid can sit in a chair at a desk in a classroom. He cannot do it. He will scratch his eyes out.

The one thing he can do is take photographs. As a war photographer, this kid would win a Pulitzer. Because he takes the camera with him to all the places he should not go.

We should be teaching photography in kindergarten. This kid would have had some school success. As things stand, he has never had any of that.

Teachers never say: Oh, this kid or that kid could be a photographer. We see cameras as toys. Anyone can do it. It has little value.

It’s fashionable to badmouth Instagram, and, yes, it has its problems, especially with consumerism. But cameras and consumerism are here to stay, and they go hand-in-hand. I see amazing talent on Instagram.

No one goes to Harvard to study photography. This kid wouldn’t know what Harvard was. The second the word school is used, all the walls come up.

I study the videos I take of him.

He helped me (I use the word help promiscuously) rig the inner tube and the tarp that would be his boat for the day. We do this every summer.

Lake Lure is a great place for kids. Last year, he jumped into relatively deep water, and I had to jump in to save him. He has to have a drama or an excuse to put his arms around my neck.

Whether he does or he doesn’t, one way or another, he is always holding on.

I can see through the use of my own camera that he goes up to the edge. But he pulls himself back a bit, and he does not jump into water he cannot handle.

Sometimes success has nothing whatsofuckingever to do with school. Success is where you find it. Even in the middle of the lake on an inner tube in the sun.

Tim Barrus

Tim Barrus Blog

Posts tagged with boy-swimming

He Cannot Swim