Death Watch Journal
POETRY AS HEALING
When Neal implodes into himself, he begins to look like a zombi.
Neal has multiple issues. One would be sexual abuse in school. He does not even remember school. Another would be Alec who Neal sees as someone never confused and always strong.
Two issues. There is a third.
This is an issue Neal obfuscates. To Neal, it does not exist.
The man in the photograph being grabbed is a physician.
Neal’s world is black and white. You are either an abuser and cruel. Or you are someone he can trust to be strong enough to protect him. It has never occurred to Neal that he can learn to protect himself.
I’m not strong enough, and I’m scared.”
When are you scared.”
“All the time.”
Anything medical that implies examination is enough for Neal to jump out the nearest window. That is not an exaggeration.
One test I put to kids is to drive them around town. I ask them to read traffic signs.
Neal can read every sign. But he is barely literate. What does this mean.
What it suggests to me is that this is a kid who has lived on the road. The reasons are ephemeral. Neal lived in a back seat.
There are tens of thousands of Neals out there.
Neal’s dick is covered with cigarette scars. Some are fresh enough to still be infected. It took all of his courage – and then some – for Neal to disclose. But he was in pain.
I can’t fix any of this with a bandaid.
Anyone who thinks they can, is kidding themselves.
I can, however, take all his second selves, and put them to work.
Making art. Taking photographs. Writing poetry (no big words). And allowing his story to unfold. Sometimes, it’s not about what he puts in the photograph. Sometimes, it’s about what he does not put in the photograph.
Alec is very slowly disappearing from Neal’s photography. Alec isn’t real.
There is a boy named Alec but he’s not accessible. To be protected by someone (real or not) who is not actually accessible, is the perfect situation Neal has created for himself.
He gets protected (because he feels weak) by the protector, but Neal always picks people who do not, in fact, know he exists.
This is the perfect way to get yourself punished. When he uses the word touch, Neal means being burned by cigarettes.
Neal lives in a universe of code. That you probably don’t know the code, is not his fault. Neal has one thing I can use.
We will begin with traffic signs that say STOP.